


If the World was Ending

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drunkenness, Emotional, F/M, Fear, Love Confessions, Post-Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:35:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25438549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Rafael calls Olivia drunk, and a conversation of hypotheticals ensues.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 14
Kudos: 73





	If the World was Ending

**Author's Note:**

> A song fic based off the Song "If the World was Ending" by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels

Rafael was sitting in his dingy little apartment, and he was drunk. He felt pathetic and sad. He wanted to call her. He had his phone out, but it had been so long, and she had every right to hate him. He’d left her crying in the street alone before running to Miami to pull his shit together. 

He’d been in traffic, on his way home from work, when the news had come over the radio. A shooting in Manhattan. Near the SVU precinct. Twenty people were dead, many more injured and some of them were police officers. He needed to know that she was okay, but he was so afraid that she wasn’t, that he almost couldn’t bring himself to call. There was this tightness in his chest when he thought about it. Had she been at her desk when it happened? On the street in the line of fire? 

He’d gotten good at beating down the urge to call her, knowing it wasn’t smart, knowing that he was the cause of her pain. A clean break was better. He knew that she would figure it out. She’d been through enough that she could always bounce back, and she was better off without him anyways. She was meant to have someone better, someone who could give her more. 

And yet, he couldn’t stop himself from calling. He needed to talk to her, to know that she wasn’t dead. The phone rang too long, and he felt himself beginning to hyperventilate until he finally heard her voice, sounding tired and groggy. “Rafael?” she asked softly. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.” 

“Are you--” she trailed off. 

“I--I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said softly. 

“Yeah, yeah, I was at the courthouse actually,” Liv said softly. He heard the rustle of her sitting up in her bed. “The squad is fine. It was down the street.” 

“Sometimes it feels like the world is ending, huh?” he said softly. Liv paused a second. 

“Yeah, more and more lately,” she said softly. Rafael wondered if he would have the balls to see her if the world was actually ending. He wanted to think that he would go to her because there would be no consequences. All of his fears and his insecurities wouldn’t matter because the world was ending and everything that made their relationship scary or unreachable wouldn’t matter. All the ways he’d fucked up wouldn’t matter anymore because there wouldn’t be any time left for him to get his shit together. He would just have to settle for where he was at. 

“If the world was ending, do you think you would forgive me?” the words were out of his mouth before he fully considered them. 

“If the world was ending, would you stop running?” She countered. “You’d come over right? And apologize, and let me hold you because I’m tired of the running, Rafa. I’m tired of you not being here when you could. You didn’t have to leave.” 

He was quiet. He wasn’t sure what to say to that because he knew she was right. He knew he fucked up. He just couldn’t let go of his fears. He was so scared to lose her that he’d pushed her away, but he wondered if he could get over those fears if the world was ending. “Would you come after me even if I didn’t?” he asked softly. He knew it wasn’t a fair question. There was no reason why she should have to be the one to come after him, but he wanted to know anyway. 

“Would you let me?” she asked. “Rafa, I’ve gone a year now, and I’m finally able to think about you without feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest. Stop playing games with me.” She hung up after that, and he dropped the phone on the couch beside his leg. He felt tears stinging his eyes. She was right. He wasn’t being fair. He was the one who had left, the one who hurt her. 

He ran his fingers through his hair, trying not to lose himself. He wanted to cry. He could feel his shoulders shaking. He stood up shakily, feeling the world spin around him. He was drunker than he’d originally thought. 

“Fuck,” he whispered. He needed to face how much he’d fucked everything up. He wanted to think that he would stop running, that he could even now, but he was so afraid and stuck in this cycle of self loathing that it was difficult for him. He wanted to see her so badly, and in a split second decision, he was on his phone. He somehow managed to do what he wanted in his state of inebriation before passing out on the couch.

………………………..

The sun was filtering through the window when Rafael finally opened his eyes. He blinked. It was too bright. His head was aching, a dull thudding that made it hard for him to think. His mouth felt dry. He needed to drink some water to help with both his headache and how dry his mouth felt. He sat up with a groan. His phone had fallen to the floor. 

He reached for it, pressing the home button to illuminate the screen. A reminder about his flight. His memories of the previous night were coming back in pieces. He remembered calling Olivia. He remembered the things he said--the things that were difficult to think about now. He barely remembered purchasing the plane ticket before he’d passed out on the couch. 

He wanted to forget about it and hide again. He wanted to let Olivia forget about him--to let her be angry with him because he deserved it, but he couldn’t stand the pain that had been so clearly present in her voice when they’d been on the phone. He needed to fix things. It was past time. He needed to stop thinking about the hypothetical and just face up to what he’d done. He just hoped that she could find it in her heart to forgive him. He wouldn’t blame her if she couldn’t, but he needed to try. 

He packed an overnight bag, ordering a car to take him to the airport. The world wasn’t ending, but if he didn’t do something now, his relationship with Liv might end for good. The plane ride was not long enough. He was beyond nervous. He took a cab to her apartment, standing outside the door nervously as he waited for her to answer. 

“Rafa?” her voice was soft, almost disbelieving. 

“Hey,” he said softly. “Um….if the world was ending, do you think you’d forgive me?” 

“If the world was ending, would you stop running?” Liv asked him softly, leaning against the door frame. 

“I’m done running now,” Rafael promised. 

“If the world was ending,” Liv said softly. “Do you think we could work this out?” 

“I hope so,” Rafael whispered, smiling. She let him inside. He knew he still had a long way to go, but he was willing to do whatever was necessary. 


End file.
